And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
barbara walters just said penis...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
