I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
