we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
When are your genitals available?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
