he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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