Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
