I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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