You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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