I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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