I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
