She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
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