Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
