Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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