I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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