Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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