I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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