I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
