Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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