i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
