just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
