Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
