I faked an abortion last night.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
