the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
a search helicopter?!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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