he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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