I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
i've created a new STD.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
