someone get that fucking seahorse.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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