Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
