she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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