I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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