I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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