Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize