ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm just crazy horny about you
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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