Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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