dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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