You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How does one acquire holy water?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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