Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
