i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
