i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
