tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
