Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
