Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
