My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
