At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
