o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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