She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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