I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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