I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
