Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
