I need help removing her.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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