I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
