i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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