I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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