what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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