Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
