I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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