Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
